Fossils

There is not much I know for certain. There is even less I know for certain about myself. The lists are short. This is why I am pleasantly surprised to have recently come across a knowing about myself that is undeniably true. 

A quick note about knowing, especially as it pertains to myself. I am learning more about how I learn. I once thought learning and acquiring truths was an expedition process, where I set out on a journey into unknown, undiscovered territory to find something new and shiny. I see this belief in our culture, too. We are told to “find ourselves,” as if everything we needed to understand and know who we are was anywhere other than exactly where we are at. My view on this process has shifted from a Lewis and Clark expedition to an archeological unearthing of ancient fossils. The fossils I find are old parts of me, maybe even older than my body itself. 

I was born knowing myself, but my knowing was buried somewhere along the path of cultural conditioning. When I uncover a knowing about myself, I feel a sense of familiarity versus surprise. It’s not that I think these truths are in my body, I feel them in my body. I know it in my bones.

I recently unearthed the truth fossil inside of me that I am undeniably and purely love. This truth fossil felt so familiar, so completely obvious, I wondered if I had always known this. In a way, yes, I have learned through religion, my family, my friends, that I am full of love, which isn’t quite the same as being love. My being is love. I am love. 

When I work with clients as a psychotherapist, I often hear people say, “I know it, but I don't knooow it.” I felt exactly what people meant by this while also not understanding what was meant at all. Now, I think I have the language. Here is my translation, “I think it is true in my mind, but I don’t believe it is true in my body.” 

I can only conceive of truth fossils as my bones themselves, so I take much more stock in what I know in my body to be true versus what I know in my mind. 

I feel in my body, my bones, my being- that I am love, and when I am connected and embodying this feeling, I feel right with myself, aligned, alive, magical, and divine. The divide between my body and everything else fades. If there is a truest of truth fossils inside of me, this feels like it must be the one. 

I now recognize my body is always giving me an open invitation to be love. What a beautiful invitation to accept, what a tragic invitation to decline.